Edible Christmas Tree

My philosophy on Christmas and holiday festivities in general is that all the family and friend gathering stuff comes second to the bottom line: Eating. What can I say? I coast holiday events to see what kinds of delicious foods I’ll get to consume- hopefully for free. Shameful, but too true.

But…there’s slight a problem when you’re faced with the responsibility have entertaining your friends & family. Oh right, maintaining relationships with your loved ones, it does require a bit of upkeep. Plants need love & watering. But…. I’m a priority too. Therefore I want to keep things as simple as possible. That doesn’t mean I won’t get my point accross. How will you gauge whether or not your slapdash execution was a success? If you warrant a crowd of instagram snappers. End of story. If you fail, you can try again next year.

Speaking of plants, about a month ago I came across a Rosemary Bush….tree..whatever you call it. It’s nearly impossible to think of anything when you wait around, trying. I need to be out and about, bumping into things.

My childish thoughts kicked in. 1+1=2. I don’t want to decorate a tree this season. Everyday is a Wacko Christmas in my world. However, I will not turn down an excuse to eat a ton of delicious, salty food…This season you can easily kill two birds with your urge to merge. Italian antipasti combined with a tree as signage. Oops, just wrote Italian Antipasti, redundant to the max.

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As always obsessions motivate. Italy is one of mine. Besides producing the best leather products, leather skins and hardware, the country also exports Lamborghinis, Ducatis and Ferraris. It doesn’t stop there of course. Numbing coastal views laced with guilt free all day boozing… Swarthy alphas in suits & loafers…combined with that swagger inherent in italian men…Olive skinned brunettes with taut figures…pizza, unapologetic french kissing in italian streets, psychotic Neapolitan drivers… and all around sexy living.

Starting off with just some of my favorite things. Piave cheese, salami, anchovies, and sanbitter soda. I thought a lot about people pleasing when serving people food. Then I stopped thinking those thoughts. I serve what I like, and people have to find a way to like it. If there’s a vegetarian lurking in the corner, run.

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Prepping drinks. Serve them directly in the bottles. You have to empty out this sanbitter soda (just a bit off the top) to make room for alcohol. Great excuse to relax and pour yourself a drink.

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The sanbitter soda is intense. So don’t dilute it with too many different liquid flavors. I just add some gin and lime juice. I’m so greedy, want this soda to feel like a thousand needles lightly caressing my throat when it goes down. Ice will also dilute the carbonation, so I’d keep these in the freezer until you’re ready to serve.

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Think I’ve got enough limes here….? Ask my cigarette soaked buds. Sometimes it takes a village.

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Lessen the gap with gin, and have your way with this bottle as you would do to a Corona.

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Small hot red peppers. So good. It’s like a really vinegary slightly spicier version of roasted red peppers. It doesn’t taste as spicy as it looks, but just spicy enough.

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You’re telling me you don’t wake up at 7 in the morning and crave  spicy salami chips?

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Quite excellent with a huge cup of Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffee and a small box of Munchkins for dessert.

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What would a tree be without hot pepper tinsles??

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Rosemary tree. Tinsels wrapped around, spicy salami tied up, and anchovies with black kalamata olives.

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Rosemary tree here isn’t just for looks either. I suggest prepping this tree at least 2-3 hours in advance. The scent from these stems will, believe it or not, perfume your cured goods with that unbelievably fragrant scent. Think of it as a dry marination.

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Pork pierced and tied with chives. Bondage soppressata. Haha. If you need a stealth method to scare your waspy in-laws, I’m here to help.

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Small kalamata olives (pitted) and skewered into these pines. Anchovies swim horizontally. These are lesser anchovies, but if you can do use fresh anchovies marinated in some olive oil and and lemon (look at this post for reference). Way better.

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Sh*t happens when you shoot food. Cheesy Stars Perspire.

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If you’re thinking about heading to West Elm to pay for fancy overpriced lighting for any kind of party, think again. Just go to B&H. Keep your extension cords exposed, and load those outlet strips. Emote less this season.

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Kind of on the wacky side you say.. Better to err on the side of too much boldness rather than too little.